Nov 9, 2013; Oxford, MS, USA; Mississippi Rebels defensive end Robert Nkemdiche (5) on the sidelines after being ejected from the game against the Arkansas Razorbacks at Vaught-Hemingway Stadium. Mississippi Rebels defeat the Arkansas Razorbacks with a score of 34-24. Mandatory Credit: Spruce Derden-USA TODAY Sports
The college sports offseason, otherwise known as the summer months, is quite a long one. There’s no baseball, basketball or football. Recruiting news is typically at its finest tease stage, “HOW MANY FIVE-STARS ARE VISITING ON THEIR OWN DIME?!” Making matters worse on this journey across the desert of transfers, public intox arrests, and Cape Cod League stats, is the fact that Robert Nkemdiche has not tweeted since June 5. When you do a regular segment called Weird Ntweet Wednesday about the odd things tweeted by Mr. Nkemdiche, that makes things a little more tricky.
Luckily, in the bowels of his Twitter account, there’s a treasure trove of gold just waiting to be mined by a blogger with mediocre comedic writing skills, such as myself. With that said, let’s get started with this week’s edition of Weird Ntweet Wednesday.
“I just had the most bizzare dream ever, it was painted so vivid. Just another key stone.”
Anyone that’s been a 20-year-old college student knows that the struggle is indeed very real. Once the checking account runs low, Ruffles and french onion dip suddenly becomes a meal. Ten dollars for a cab? Ha no, I’ll walk the four miles home. The biggest staple of a struggling college student is in the booze department: McCormicks, Evan Williams, Four Lokos and of course, Keystone Light.
When you can get a six-pack of Sweetwater for $11.99 or a 30-pack of Keystone for $14.99, the choice has already been made. You lug the case back to the house, pass around recycled Newk’s cups, and that bottom-of-the-barrel lake water flows down your gullet like a bottle of Dom Perignon. After everyone has about 7-8, you realize the case is getting thin and argue over who is buying the next one and who has to walk to Chevron to get it. It’s like the circle of life, except it’s just the circle of each Thursday weekend in Oxford. Now, I can’t fault Nkemdiche for being a fan of Keith Stone’s finest, and I’ll certainly agree with him that dreaming about it is intact pretty bizarre.
“What’s bed time?. Lofty thoughts get awfully awkward.”
Oh, boy, we’ve all been there. You’re lying in bed, thinking about your plans for tomorrow and the world is now your oyster. Sure, today you put down a sleeve of double-stuffed Oreos and sat on your couch for the entirety of a Who’s The Boss marathon on TV Land, but tomorrow, oh tomorrow’s the day. Tomorrow, you’re going to wake up at 7:00, make some bacon, eggs and a smoothie. Then you’re going to watch the news to get caught up on the world events before going to work or class where you wow your superiors. After work comes a visit to the gym where you record new personal bests on the bench, treadmill and free weights. Afterward, you’ll have a healthy dinner, start working on your memoirs and hit the hay.
Then tomorrow comes. You wake up late for work, put on a shirt that’s wrinklier than Caitlyn Jenner’s neck skin, and get chastised for being behind on your assignments. Tired from the day at hand, you get home and have a beer or two while watching a 30 for 30 rerun you’ve seen a dozen times (wow, the Pistons really were Bad Boys!), throw back a dozen wings and fall asleep with your socks still on. Yeah, pretty awkward, I’ll say.
“That beautiful moon.”
Anyone that’s played sports on at least the high school level knows about taking bus trips with your teammates. I can’t speak for female athletes as I was never on those buses, but for males, it wasn’t exactly a meeting of the minds. You’re telling mostly made-up stories, bragging about who has the toughest uncle, and there always seems to be that guy that can do something interesting with his saliva (it almost touched the floor!). If the bus ride is a particularly lengthy one, sometimes one guy will succumb to the peer pressure and moon a nearby car. This tweet is merely Robert using the mooning as a metaphor for how beautiful the camaraderie and athletic opportunities are in front of him.
“I tend to mumble when I speak, so do babies.”
Listen, if you’re going to give Rob flack for how he talks, prepare to get the wrath brought upon you. This week’s burn ward victim: that’s right, babies. Some people think babies are very cute with their tiny feet, singsongy laughter and ignorant bliss. Other people see babies for what they really are: loud, needy, desperate, expensive and possessing the ability to ruin a flight worse than a showing of The Lake House starring Sandra Bullock. If you’re going to be all sorts of disruptive, prepare to get some dish coming right back at ya, babies.
“Does anybody have the second book of fifty shades of grey?”
This one is not exactly The Da Vinci Code. Rob just wanted to get a little weird.
Thanks for reading and as always, Nhotty Ntoddy.