If the Republican field was like SEC football

Jul 13, 2015; Hoover, AL, USA; Vanderbilt Commodores coach Derek Mason fields questions during SEC media days at the Wynfrey Hotel. Mandatory Credit: Kelly Lambert-USA TODAY Sports

Every so often there’s a new edition of “compare A to SEC schools.” We’ve seen it with characters of television shows, musicians, breeds of dogs, really any list that includes at least 14 items to draw upon.

One of the most discussed current events is the Republican field for the 2016 presidential election. Luckily for me, there just so happens to be at least 14 candidates with some room to spare. Number of clientele isn’t the only similarity between the SEC and the GOP, however. For instance, unless you are a supporter of them, the rest of the country hates you more than Joy Behar hates salads and gluten-free cookies. Also, despite going on a nice run in the mid-2000s, both have lost the last two contests that matter, one to Barack Obama and the other to Florida State and Ohio State. Finally, both the GOP and the SEC are believed to be favored by the major news outlets in their arena: Fox News and ESPN, respectively. Now, with the first GOP debate in the books and the kickoff of the football season a month away, here’s who each SEC football team would be if they were a GOP presidential candidate.

Alabama: Donald Trump

They are both the evil empires of the group, ahead of the field by a wide margin. Alabama has more national titles (deserved or not) than any other SEC school and they are the face of the conference. Trump, as of Thursday night, is the clear frontrunner with over twice the support of Jeb Bush according to the polls and is the headliner of the debate.  As much as you may hate it, you pretty much know they’re both going to win.

Arkansas: Chris Christie

I know what you’re thinking and yes, the similar body types of Christie and Razorback head coach Bret Bielema factored into this selection. Also, Christie and Bielema have fervently defended themselves with long rants to the rest of their fields by playing moral high ground cards: Christie uses Hurricane Sandy horror stories to defend his hugging of Obama while Bielema says “player safety” more than Ginuwine buying a pack of Trojans.

Auburn: Jeb Bush

A strong contender to win it all and why not? They both have all the pieces of a champion. Bush has a proven record, polls well and is an overall likable guy. Auburn has an elite defensive coordinator, a brilliant offensive head coach and has recruited well. The thing that is getting in the way of both achieving their dreams: their big brothers, George W. and the University of Alabama.

Florida: Scott Walker 

Florida has one of the strongest football traditions in the conference and Walker is in the top four in the polls. While you’d think that would garner respect from peers, it doesn’t, for one glaring reason. For Walker, it’s his radical social beliefs that even fellow conservatives find off-kilter for the most part. As far as Florida goes, it’s the routine sightings of jorts and Crocs. Seriously Gator fans, what’s that about? Why must your lower bodywear reflect that of a German tourist at Disney World?

Georgia: Rick Perry

Rick Perry was a strong contender for the presidential nod in 2012 with many thinking “this is the year” that he would bring home the nomination. Of course, Perry stumbled toward the end of the campaign and ultimately finished as the bridesmaid to Mitt Romney. That’s not unlike Georgia, who always gets talked about as a possible national champion contender but one bad loss at the wrong time (much like a Perry verbal gaffe) ultimately undoes them.

Kentucky: John Kasich

Kasich was the 10th participant in the debate, barely making the field. No one actually believes he has a shot to contend for the nomination or get anywhere close. He’s just there to not ruffle any feathers, make his name known and get on as the ticket as vice president considering he could tilt the favor for Ohio, an important swing state where he serves as governor. Kentucky isn’t in the SEC for football; they know that, we know that, the whole college landscape knows that. But, that’s not what they’re in the SEC for. They’re merely there to dominate in basketball and you know, we’re all fine with it.

LSU: Ted Cruz

Has everyone seen Ted Cruz wrap the tip of a gun in bacon, fire off a few rounds with said gun, then eat the bacon? No? Don’t, it’s incredibly strange. Now, if only I could think of an SEC head coach who says strange things and eats strange things.. hm, where oh where could I find one of those? That’s right, Les Miles of LSU, the wordsmith who told us all to “have a great day,” also has a propensity to eat grass off the field. The only real difference between the two is Miles has actually won something while Cruz will get as close to going all the way as I will with Kate Upton.

Missouri: Rand Paul

In his closing remarks, Paul declared himself a “different kind of Republican.” It’s true: the guy’s name is Rand, he supports the legalization of marijuana, has proven he can balance budgets consistently, and the dude’s hairstyle hasn’t been seen since Luke Perry in 90210. Missouri, simply put, is a different kind of SEC. They’re located in the Midwest with cargo short, long O sounds akin to Wisconsinites, and wanted to get into the Big Ten in the worst way. Do you think LSU or Alabama would go banging on the doors in Indianapolis? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Mississippi State: Mike Huckabee

Mike Huckabee loves to discuss how he is “old fashioned.” He wants to “restore the sanctity of marriage,” doesn’t believe in global warming and has many views that fall under the category of archaic. Huck is an Arkansas man whose parents are from Arkansas and grandparents are from Arkansas and well, he was the governor of Arkansas. Mississippi State students typically don’t come from out of the state lines of Mississippi and it’s not uncommon to hear of Bulldog lineages dating back numerous generations. Also, what’s more outdated than taking cowbells into a game to make noise, tailgating on trucks, and calling your rival school “TSUN,” a term coined by Woody Hayes, whose been dead for 20 years.

Ole Miss: Lindsey Graham

There’s a saying around Oxford that “we may not win every game, but we’ve never lost a party.” Well heck, that seems about right for ole Lindsey Graham out of the great state of South Carolina. Graham is nowhere near contention for the GOP nod but that hasn’t stopped him from cracking jokes on late night talk shows, promising a rotating first lady seat and rocking the 5 p.m. kiddy table debate like it was primetime. You also have to admit that like many of the Southern belles in Oxford, it’s pretty fun to hear ole Lindsey’s antebellum drawl.

South Carolina: Bobby Jindal

Jindal came out of nowhere and appeared to be a legitimate threat to win the primary in 2012. Sure he’s not too experienced and came out of nowhere to most, but he surged up the polls  quicker than Cinnamon at the Pony of Memphis. South Carolina can relate to that as they went from being a perennial doormat in football to three-straight 10-win seasons when defensive end Jadeveon Clowney was in Columbia. Unfortunately for Gamecock fans, just like Jindal, they fell as hard and fast as they climbed a few years ago.

Tennessee: Rick Santorum

Two of the more polarizing figures in their respective fields, Tennessee and Rick Santorum are never boring. When they’re doing well, they’re obnoxious: bright orange overalls and humble brags galore. Even when they’re down, you still hear about them because for some reason, they’re newsworthy regardless. The most important similarity between the two is the ease with which they are trolled on the internet. Santorum was Google bombed worse than anyone in internet history with some, uh, unsavory things, and Tennessee fans will threaten to burn down your house if you tell them Jon Gruden doesn’t want to coach at their school. You’d think they would learn after awhile but they just don’t.

Texas A&M: Marco Rubio

The Aggies and Rubio have done a lot for themselves. They’re pretty well-received, polite, respected and in another universe would probably be one of the elites. Unfortunately, they live in the shadows of someone more important than them in their own state. Rubio has a tough time claiming achievements in the state of Florida with Jeb Bush right across the stage with a much deeper resume, much like A&M trying to wear their big boy pants when Austin is a short drive from College Station. Listen Aggies and Marco, we think you’re great, just not as great as that other guy from your state.

Vanderbilt: Ben Carson

Carson blew many away on social media with his concise remarks at the debate. Nobody really expects him to win but we’re all rooting for him whether we admit it or not. Those that don’t admit it or won’t root for him are just jealous they don’t possess the intellectual acumen exhibited by Mr. Carson, a renowned neurosurgeon. Some one who’s smart and doesn’t have a good chance at winning, sounds a bit like the Commodores from the Music City.